In my last post I talked about being stuck and some of the reasons a person may stay that way. I had listed them out in the writing and afterwards got to thinking that maybe I needed to explore each one a little more to see what nuggets of truth God may want to reveal. So, each week I will take one of the “reasons” and write about it here; we will look at some of the ideas we hold, find some words of knowledge from other Christian authors along with scripture from the bible to see if we can understand a little bit better the relationship between each one and being stuck. Today we will explore unforgiveness.

When we experience circumstances that leave us reeling, come into contact with people who cause us a great amount of distress or pain or have feelings of anger or upset at ourselves for choices we made that placed us in difficult situations we can linger in unforgiveness. We feel stuck because we can’t seem to get past it. We are told by other well meaning individuals to “move on”, “let it go”, “forgive and forget”; and that all seems well and good, however; we all know that it is easier said than done.  Peter asked Jesus: “How many times do I forgive a brother or sister who hurts me? Seven?” Jesus replied: “Try seventy times seven.” (Matthew 18:21-22). Author, theologian and Reverend, Karen Setheramand says this, “The truth about unforgiveness is that it tends to keep us chained to the very people we wish to be free from.” Marianne Williamson says: “Unforgiveness is like drinking poison and waiting for the other person to die.” In other words, unforgiveness ultimately damages us. It is better to live in a perpetual state of forgiveness (freedom) than be saddled with the burden of carrying the hurt imposed upon us by another.

Often we think our perceived size of the offense determines the level of our ability to forgive, let go and move on. It does not. What determines our ability to forgive, let go and move on is the condition of our heart as it relates to our creator. Being in tune with him allows us to see ourselves correctly and see others as he sees them. It doesn’t give them permission to continue to hurt you nor does it demand access after you have done the hard work of forgiveness but it does rightly see them in their own hurt state and places the need for revenge, retaliation or justice squarely in the hands of the one who can create lasting change in a person’s heart. God is a god of justice and we can trust that, he in his own time; will bring justice to those who have wronged us on our behalf.

It is hard work. The process of forgiveness. The choice to forgive is immediate. We have the free will to decide to forgive or not. The rest of it…the letting go, is a process. Sometimes it’s like peeling back layers of hurt, abuse, words spoken, actions, triggers and such to get to the heart of the issue. Sometimes it is like walking waist deep in the ocean; slow paced with small waves to deal with until the big breaker comes that tumbles you or knocks you backward a bit and then its pick yourself back up and start again with the forward motion. The decision comes first then the untangling of your mind, heart, will and emotions from their mess happens over time and with intention, so you can live free from offense.

The most beautiful moment though is when you feel the peace that only God can give. The moment you realize the process of forgiveness is complete. You don’t rage, hate or get angry anymore at the other(s) or yourself or your circumstance. You don’t spend an unhealthy amount of time wishing, plotting and planning their executions. Your heart and mind are at rest. You recognize the triggers, you remember sometimes the hurt imposed but it no longer consumes you. You are able to see it for what it is and keep moving forward. That moment is when you have placed your need for revenge, vindication, vengeance…whatever you want to call it squarely into the hands of the one who has the power to smite your enemies.

So how do you get there one might ask? How do you get to the place of handing over the need to retaliate, get even, make them pay? For us because we humans are so diverse there is no one size fits all when it come to the decisive moment ne the hard work of forgiveness. I can share some of the ways that have helped me and others; again it isn’t a formula it’s a process. There is no way around it you must go through it to get to the other side. Here are some ideas of ideas of things to assist you in peeling back the layers or helping you wade through that surf of hurt and anger when you feel stuck and unable to move forward.

1. Take a sheet of paper create a timeline of offense. Write the first thing that comes to mind then the next and the next until you are done. Take that timeline and present it to God in prayer, giving each offense over to him in an offering of forgiveness. Be still and listen for his response. Write any scripture, phrase or saying that comes to mind beside the offense you are praying about. This may take time in prayer to reach the end. Cross off each one as you feel it is resolved or you feel as if the decision to forgive has been made.
2. When you are ready take a sheet of paper out for each person, situation or circumstance where you were hurt or offended. Title each one and begin to list out what you are forgiving. For instance, “I forgive you for telling me I am not worth the effort”. “I forgive you for giving your heart to another woman instead of building our relationship stronger” “I forgive you for hurting me physically”. ect. Once you are done, pray and give each offense over to God. Tear up the sheets of paper into tiny pieces and release them into the wind as you do visualize releasing the person, circumstance or situation as well. Psalm 103:12: “As far as the east is from the west, so far has he removed our transgressions from us”. Just as east and west continue indefinitely, representing an immeasurable distance that can never be bridged; God’s forgiveness is boundless and total.
3. Write a letter outlining how you have been hurt, the things you feel need to be vindicated or feelings you need validated, what it is that has made you so very angry. Take the letter to God in prayer. Submit to him all you’ve said in the letter. Admit how hard it is to forgive and how you have been holding onto anger as a result. Express your desire to forgive and ask God to take the anger. Next in a safe container, fire pit or fireplace light the letter on fire. As you watch it burn imagine it burning up all the anger, hate, rage, unforgiveness and pain. When the flames are fully extinguished and all that is left is ash thank God for his deliverance and ask him to redeem what can be redeemed.
4. If you draw or paint. Get a canvas or paper. Create an art depiction of your hurt, the pain you carry, the offense and how it impacted you. Feel those deep feelings as you create. When done. Use that same canvas. Paint over the current picture with white which represents the forgiveness you have extended. Set with that for a moment. Relish the freshness. The blank canvas that can be anything you want it to be. Then recreate a masterpiece that speaks of the beauty of you being able to “let go”, “be free”, “have peace” because of it. Hang it in a space you can see most days and each time you view it marvel at the wonderful ways God had brought you out of the need for vengeance and into a place that your heart can grow and flourish.
5. Get a stack of old colorful pottery, dishware or glasses. Label each one with the offense, hurt or person responsible. Take a hammer, mallet or just throw them down and smash em. As they break imagine the offense breaking off of you. Falling down into pieces on the ground. Pray. Thank God for helping you let go. Carefully, pick up some of the pieces. Create a stepping stone, garden sculpture or other colorful art mosaic art piece out of the shards.

This list is not exhaustive it’s just somewhere to start. I know that our human nature is to want to regain what we thought was lost when the offense happened. We want payback. However God’s word is clear when he says, “Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good.” Romans 12:21. Forgiveness is good. It is necessary too if we want our hearts and minds free. Know this; In this process we are not alone. God will be there every step of the way and in exchange he promises us that, he will “clothe him that is mourning in Zion, he will give unto him beauty for ashes, the oil of joy for mourning, the garment of praise for the spirit of heaviness; so that he might be called trees of righteousness, the planting of the Lord, that he (the Lord) might be glorified.” Isaiah 61:3. HE will help us find hope or something positive in a situation that was previously difficult or tragic. Even after experiencing loss or hardship, something beautiful can emerge if we place it in his hands and trust him with the outcome.

Copyright©2025 Melanie McKinley (The Salty Pen & Press).  All Rights Reserved